http://therobotmommy.com/what-to-expect-when-preparing-for-a-colonoscopy/

Posted by on May 25, 2015

As you are reading this, I’m probably going through the worst part of a colonoscopy…

The preparation.

What most people fear about this procedure is the actual doing it. Thinking about having a foreign object heading up your rear can make anyone feel…well, violated. But nowadays, you don’t feel anything because you are in your twilight sleep. Believe me, the doing part is a piece of cake (oooo….cake) compared to the getting ready for it part.

Now, bear with me. I’m lightheaded from lack of coffee and solid foods. *sips more Gatorade* 

First of all, let’s go into the facts about Mr Camera Snake…

The medical expectation in regards to needing a colonoscopy according to WedMD is to:

Check for colorectal cancer or polyps.

This test is recommended by the American Cancer Society (ACS), the American College of Gastroenterologists (ACG), the American Gastroenterological Association (AGA), and the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF).

These groups recommend routine testing for people age 50 and older who have a normal risk for colorectal cancer.

Your doctor may recommend you have one earlier and more frequently if your medical history requires it. 

That last part you read there…. yeah, that’s me. Due to pain in my side and back, it was the next step to find out why I was in pain. The first time I had to have one, I was scared shitless. Oh the irony. I didn’t know what to expect and where to look to find out what to expect. Hence the reason for writing this post. I wish I had someone giving me a personal rundown from start to finish. So, dear reader, this is my gift to you.

What to Expect When Expecting a Camera Snake To Be Shoved Up Your Bum for Medical Purposes.

CONGRATULATIONS!! You got the news from your doctor. It’s time. The date for your procedure is set and you’ve been given a list of stuff to do. This will include items to purchase for you to consume and a list of Things you absolutely can not eat or drink the day prior

  I’m really sorry to tell you this but you may not, can not have coffee. You can not eat solid foods. For breakfast, lunch and dinner you can have one or more of these delicious choices:

  • Clear broth
  • Ice Popsicles 
  • Clear soda
  • Yellow or green Jell-O (no fruit added)
  • Gatorade
  • Yummy delicious water

Nothing you intake may be red, blue or purple. And no, you may not have any alcohol although you will kinda wish you could. 

This is the day before your procedure. Nothing much to eat or drink. And as if that wasn’t bad enough, you need to start the real prep around mid afternoon. Yes, the fun begins… It’s time to make your “poop juice”. Luckily, this concoction has improved over the years. What used to be a pre-made, salty, gross elixir that will make you want to brush your teeth every 5 minutes is now a “pick your favorite flavor Gatorade” (no red, blue or purple) and mix some laxative in it. I have found that its more tolerable cold. It’s also more tolerable with a silly straw.  Seriously, it could be worse. Much worse. 

some stuff you need

 

You will now proceed to drink the “poop juice” and clean out your body of all waste. Once you start drinking said juice, you need to be at least 3 feet from a bathroom for the remainder of the day. Your actions will go like this: 

  • Drink liquid
  • Use restroom
  • Repeat 1000x 

Do not start a movie unless you are prepared to pause it several times. Don’t start a new series on Netflix. Now’s not the time. Get someone to watch your kids if possible. This will be your life for the next several hours. Really. Don’t try to do anything else. You aren’t going to make dinner. You aren’t going to do laundry. Seriously. 

Just drink, evacuate bowels and repeat. 

And by morning, the worse part will be over. The next day with an empty stomach and bladder, you will head to your medical facility, strip down to nothing but a robe that opens in back oh…breezy…. and a nice person will put you under for anywhere between one to three hours. While in dreamland, Mr Camera Snake will do his job and you are none the wiser. 

You will wake up and be required to fart. A lot. And fart some more. There is an amount of passing gas that is needed for your release. Once that’s done, you go home. 

That’s it. Now, was that so scary? Trust me, you are not the only one that feels fearful the first time you have this done. No one wants to do it but sooner or later it will be a requirement. Also, remember all that medical mumbojumbo I put in the beginning of this post? The takeaway from that is this:   “Checking for cancer”. Right there is your reason to have this done. 

Having something invade your derrière is not ideal. Having cancer would suck a million times more. And now you know what to expect so there’s no reason to be afraid anymore. 

Ta-da!

t.r.m. 

Blogger’s note: I’m not a medical professional and I’m not claiming to be one. The preparation for a colonoscopy may vary from doctor to doctor but I’m told it’s pretty much the same. When in doubt, ASK QUESTIONS!! Your doctor should explain everything prior to your procedure but ask ask ask!! And by the way, I’m proud of you for getting it done.

#fuckcoloncancer 

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