Posted by on November 25, 2016

It was one rookie mistake after another yesterday. 

My husband and I hosted Thanksgiving again. This is our third (fourth?) year and each time we want it to be personal and special. 

Personal: Unique

Special: Not a total  fuck up.

Our “personal” contribution is how we attempt to cook the turkey. Brine or no brine. Whole vs cut up. One year, we decided on a whole bird named Percy thanks Conner that was stuffed with herbs, citrus and onions. It did not burn up into flames and was incredibly edible. I think I cried when it came out of the oven because not 22 days prior to this spectacle, I had given birth to my baby girl. It was a very emotional moment for me. Like giving birth to twins…22 days apart. 

Other years, including this one, we decided to cut the turkey into pieces. 

Not have a butcher do it, WE decided to cut it up. Or I should say, my hubby did it. With my garden clippers. 

From what I remember, the first time Michael “butchered” the bird, all went well. 

However, we forgot one minor detail, the timing it takes to cook a chopped up turkey. 

For future reference, cut up turkeys cook faster.

But, again, things worked out just fine and somehow we always forget this. 

Since we are a couple of idiots and never take notes from previous years and don’t take into consideration that our oven is NEVER at the exact temperature it displays on the panel, we are in extreme panic mode from the moment I push that fowl into our inconsistent heat source to the moment when that plastic red dohickey stuck in the breast meat goes pop! 

The rest of the meal is not unique or fabulous in any way. It is just plain ol’ tradition. The required sides that support our main meal are as follows:

  • Mashed potatoes. Standard, not fancy. 
  • Stuffing. Stouffer’s or nothing. 
  • Green Bean Casserole. Essential 
  • Marshmallow Covered Yams. 
  • Gravy. 
  • Bread and Butter Pickles.
  • Black Olives. 

If any or all of these items are missing, Thanksgiving is ruined for everyone. Because it’ll be ruined for me and I’ll be unbearable to be around. 

Now, here’s where the “special” part comes in. I always get a bug up my kester to make something from scratch. 

Homemade yeast rolls! Yay!!

 Oh but I forgot about my rising dough, left it overnight out on the counter and it stopped being roll-worthy. Fail #1

We purchased pies to save time but my daughter wanted to make a pumpkin pie because she’s awesome and loves to bake like her mama. I got all the fixings out for 2 pies and somewhere between her cracking eggs, her mixing the filling in the bowl without spilling on the sides and cutting out adorable pie crust leaves, I forgot something pretty important: sugar


She was pretty bummed that no one was eating her creation until she tasted it herself. Good going, motherbaker. (HUGE EPIC BAKING) Fail #2

I should never, ever try to be fancy

Despite my attempts at kitchen greatness, the rest of the food came out well and good and by good, I mean edible although slightly cold but we have a microwave so whatever. 

Here’s my advice:

Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be that personal. Unless it’s your grandmother’s /aunt’s / mother’s family recipe

People should be able to eat it. 

Don’t try to be fancy. You’ll probably just fuck it up.




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