He’s 9 now and, frankly, I figured this would about be the time when my son stopped talking to me about his day to day adventures at school. You know, because he’s so much older now and the boy stuff is typically discussed with Dad…which does happen. He will talk to me about other things like when his teacher gets ‘pissed off’ and his girlfriendnotgirlfriendbecausehisfriendswillteasehimbutyeahsheis but the “boy things” are a completely different animal.
Yet the other day, after school, that mindset changed. It seemed that he still considered me his listening post.
Mom, (name of student) asked me today why his penis was so small…
[…don’t laugh…don’t laugh…don’t…]
“Um…okay. When did this occur?” *bracing myself*
In the bathroom…at the urinal.
He said he thinks he has the smallest penis. I told him ‘who cares?’.
[….his future partner, maybe]
“I’m assuming that for (name of student) to come up with this analogy, he would have to be *gritting teeth* looking at other boys in the bathroom.”
Well, yeah. Weird, huh?
“Tell me, sweetheart. Do you think that size matters?”
Penis size? I don’t think so. All you do is pee with it.
AND THAT’S IT. THAT’S THE ONLY THING YOU’LL EVER DO WITH IT SO HELP ME JEEBUS!!
“Don’t you think that as you grow older, your body parts all grow with you?”
You mean, my penis will get longer?? How much longer?? Long as my leg maybe?
Yeah, this conversation just jumped over the Awkward Fence and landed in Nomatterwhatisayimscrewedville.
“Your body parts will grow into the size that they were meant to be. Small, large, long..this is not just your penis but ALL your body parts.”
Really? For how long?
“Until they need to stop. Only your body knows when that is. Going back to your friend, what else did you tell him when he asked you if his ‘thing’ was too small?”
Mom, use the real word.
“Sorry. …when he asked you if his penis was too small?”
I told him that it doesn’t matter. That we are still friends no matter what size he is.
“That’s very kind of you to say, honey.”
Afterwards, I thought about this discussion and made a mental note to write it all down because let’s be real here, my kid is going to be 13 and he’ll start really caring about this particular body part. I need this conversation as my segway. Hopefully, the innocence of this story will make the next talk a little less awkward. For both of us.
And then, I can still be his listening post.
Heaven help me.
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