Honey, if you wanna leave, you must fart your way out

Ahhhh. Endoscopy and Colonoscopy. When all else fails and it has, try the camera up the tail and down the throat approach. Let’s be clear. Not the same one.

The what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-you saga continues. Plan F: Scopies! Sounds cute and fun that way…

After seeing a GI doctor referred by my surgeon, I waited an hour and a half to spend 10 minutes telling him..

I have a chronic pain on my right side above my pelvis. It’s been there since mid-August.

I know the answer, he states. I’ll get you fixed in no time.

Forgive me for not being overly optimistic.

He sends me to his nurse who gives me the strict list of to-do’s prior to the procedure….

The prep. Like dancing with Satan.

Here’s how it goes:
Your diet from when you wake on the day before the procedure until midnight.

Clear liquids: water, sodas, juices.
Gatorade ( no red or purple )
Clear broths
Yellow or green jello
Popsicles

At 1pm., take 4 Ducolax.
Normal amount: 1 to 3

At 3pm., place one bottle of Miralax powder in a 64oz bottle of Gatorade

At 330pm., Drink 32oz in 8oz doses every 15 minutes

At 630pm., Repeat for the remainder of drink.

Hold on for dear life.

What happens to your insides is equivalent to what happens to a pipe when Extra Strength Draino hits it.

For 8 hours, I could not be further than 10 feet away from a bathroom. And the cramping, oh god the cramping….

Thanks to my twitter friends for keeping me in good spirits while I “prepped” by replacing words in song lyrics with “poop”. Good job, guys!!

Eventually, I got some sleep. It was pretty sporadic but I got a few hours at a time. Not much different than what the monkeys put me through.

So I had the procedure. No big whoop. The GI nurses at my hospital, not to mention the anesthesiologist, were all moonlighting as stand up comedians. For a person who about to be invaded, I was grateful for the laughs.

Here’s a victim’s drawing rendition: ( you know you love my drawings!!)

Tube cameras going in at both ends. Thank heaven above they put you out.

I went under pretty heavy from the drug. It’s amazing to think it allowed sleep just long enough for the procedure but not much longer than an hour.
Once I woke and released the mandatory amount of gas, I was free to go home.

So the during was pretty much no big deal. It was really being physically and mentally prepared for the day before activities. It wasn’t pretty but it was a means to an end.

Funniest part of the whole thing? ( besides the poop jokes cascading from my twitter peeps)
Locking myself out of the master bathroom and trying to go whilst a potty training toddler lives with me. There’s a reason we didn’t get rid of the potty chair. Actually, I don’t wanna talk about it.

t.r.m.