the robot mommy -

I don’t think I’m a greedy person but I like nice things. You know from past holidays that I’m kind of a gamer if by gamer means hours of Mario Bros.
Thanks for adding to my addiction, by the way.

I was the kid that wanted “want”, not “need”. Don’t give me socks or pjs. Please oh please oh please NO!
I, of course, would smile about the socks I got and the cute jacket that was not a new toy.

Sigh…. Times, they have changed.

I need underwear this year, Santa.
Not just any type of underwear though .
The “nice” (or naughty) kind.

Let me explain….
I have those ugly cotton granny-panties. You know, the if-they-get-messed-up-once-a-month-because-my-hygiene-products-have-failed-me-again ones?? I gots those by the pile load.

It’s the “other” type that I don’t have or can’t seem to keep…somehow.

They have all become religious.
Hol(e)y.
Crotchless.

They’ve all got holes in the crotch area. All. Of. Them.

Nothing happens to my old necessary panties.
Just the cute ones. The not t-backs or crazy lace in the crack ones. The pretty not granny style ones.
The ones I want to wear everyday but can’t because:

I’m not sure if it’s the material that can’t withstand the awesomeness of my vaggie or if I’m not cleaning them gentle enough (like maybe using q-tips and unicorn tears) I’m not sure what the reason. I could be an underwear yanker during REM sleep.
Either way…
I’m too old to go commando. That plumbing area has issues after I birthed my babies. Don’t be close by when I sneeze. Just sayin’

I’ve had to resort to using my destroyed and cut up chonies for other purposes…I’ve created marketing names for them in case I get desperate enough to sell the suckers.

The Sweet Infinity.

The Olivia Newton.

The Emergency Room.

Santa, I’m sad. Can you see this dilemma I have? Obviously, it is a very strong need I desire this year. I hate wearing those wide full coverage parachutes that make butt feel saggier than usual. I’m a pretty lady. I want to feel like Maria underneath it all too.

Please Santa, I beg of you. If I can’t rely on you to cover my ass and pretty bits this winter in “fabulous”, who else can I rely on?

Thank you and I promise to leave out those “spiked rum cookies without the cookies” you like so much this year.

With love and a chilly vulva,
t.r.m.

Blogger’s Note: Yes, I just wrote a story about my undies that included pictures. If I’m gonna tell a story like this on the internet now-a-days, it’s probably best to have some photographic proof.

Filed Under: i have no idea what i was thinking, misc. ramblings, so this crazy thing happened... 13 Comments

I Promise You. They Were Worth Having In The House

December 7, 2013

This is my son with “puppy light”, his Flashlight Friend.

Yes, one of those As Seen On T.V. commercial items that your child may or may not have begged for.

Here’s the other item we’ve all seen on T.V., the Flipeez. Yep, he’s a puppy too.

Believe it or not, my kids did not ask for these items. They were sent to me to provide an honest review. And that’s what I will do.

Honestly, I would never have thought to get the Flipeez. My kids have hats that they can wear …and with some fighting and fussing they would wear them.
Or they see this hat and beg me to pick who can wear it next.

Two reasons it’s awesome:
Warm head.
Entertainment.

Frankly, that’s all that needs to be said about this product. I’ve been the mom that gets the stare down when my son shows up to school without a hat. Now, the teacher begs me to have him wear another hat because he’ll wear it and sit in class to make everyone laugh.

If that’s the worse thing….

Then there’s the Flashlight Friend…

My son hates the dark and has been sleeping in my husband’s office in our house for over a year. When we received this to review, we took a camping trip days after.
Guess what made a dark evening less scary?
Guess what my son uses in his own bed now?
Guess what also helped my daughter get used to her big girl bed?

Honestly,
there are products out there that seem like a waste of your money but if your situations were/are anything like mine, it’s worth considering.

I understand you want to get your kids something useful instead another toy.
You might want to put this on their gift list this year.

t.r.m.

Blogger’s Note: I was given both the Flashlight Friend and Flipeez to review. Who made out like a bandit in this deal?? My kids.

Filed Under: consider this a review., misc. ramblings 1 Comment

And Then Buddy The Elf Saved The Afternoon

December 6, 2013

Today, I decided that my son’s cough and slight warmth of his head would be reason enough to keep him home.

Little did I know that my children would start WWIII with each other.

Yes, despite weeks of coming together after my son would come home from school and playing like little sweet angels of love, my children have reverted to the North and South in Gettysburg.

And no amount of Elf On The Shelf magic could fix this mess.

They screamed. I screamed. The neighbors should have called authorities because it would not stop. He screamed at her. She cried. I screamed at him. Then I’d calm down and tell him to calm down. Then he would slap her and then he was in time out then she would kick him in the penis then the screaming would start again and then OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO SELL THEM FOR CHRISTMAS MONEY AND THEN….

I stopped. I turned on the Video On Demand and found the holiday movie that could fix everything. EV-ERY-THING!

Confession time: I’ve never finished the entire movie but always intended to. The scenes I’ve seen had me in stitches.
Like this one:

The fact that my kids are 3 and 5 shouldn’t be a reason not to watch Elf. Will Ferrell is not for everyone. His humor is much more adult in his past (and present) movies.

He is fucking adorable in this movie.

Adorable.

My kids were completely absorbed in this tale of a big elf looking for his dad in New York City. He lives and breathes Christmas and holiday joy.

My kids needed to watch it. And boy do I need to as well.

Things we all can remember watching this movie:

Sugar is an important food group

You should be feel joy when you are in the same room as Santa.

“The best way to spread Christmas cheer is to sing a song for all to hear”.
(I bet I got that quote wrong…damn)

If you ignore that it’s a Will Ferrell movie and watch the story as a reminder to keep the Christmas spirit alive, you family could make it one of your tradition staples during the holiday season too.

The movie’s magic lasted about oh about 2 hours then normalcy returned in the form of screams and kicking.

So, I told them that Dawn The Elf saw it all.

I might need to get Will on the phone.

Anyone know his twitter account???

t.r.m.

Thank you to Huffington Post and txst.wordpress.com for the photos as well as all the people who created the film Elf and Will Ferrell who rocks and anyone else I might have missed. Yes, I am hoping to get a copy of the movie now because my kids need to watch EVERY FREAKING DAY!!

Filed Under: a holiday?!? bring it on!!, consider this a review., learning to parent, misc. ramblings 2 Comments